(*) I want to start thanking whoever takes the time to read this <3 I think I have never been so excited and scared in my whole life about a project, even though it is just a small thing, it feels huge.
Also please remember that English is not my first language so there might be some grammatical mistakes or over-simplistic expressions since my priority is to tell and communicate and not to sound smart.
Also please remember that English is not my first language so there might be some grammatical mistakes or over-simplistic expressions since my priority is to tell and communicate and not to sound smart.
This piece mainly depicts the concept of ‘broken expectations’ and the process of letting go of that state. The need to draw this started around a month ago, it was a really nice day because my parents left me home alone so I had the entire house for myself and I was able to do everything I was supposed to do that day at my own pace: from cooking and doing laundry to my usual design work. I felt super calm and happy for the first time in a long while since quarantine started 7 months ago in my country because no matter how much one loves their parents, having them not around from time to time is something we look forward to (especially if you have Latino parents because they don’t know much about privacy and personal space, haha).
I really wanted to seize the day so I thought of inviting a friend over, who at the end of the evening didn’t arrive because he had a previous appointment he had forgotten about (which is, of course, understandable). I have to admit I felt sad at first because I had my expectations and I had prepared some food and other stuff to make the experience something outstanding or at least memorable for him, but since I was having a great day on my own I convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal.
I really wanted to seize the day so I thought of inviting a friend over, who at the end of the evening didn’t arrive because he had a previous appointment he had forgotten about (which is, of course, understandable). I have to admit I felt sad at first because I had my expectations and I had prepared some food and other stuff to make the experience something outstanding or at least memorable for him, but since I was having a great day on my own I convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal.
The subtle feeling of loneliness lasted for several hours, and all that time I reminisced of similar past situations. I remember having actual breakdowns in the past due to unmet expectations also related to (not) meeting friends, but this time I realized I wasn’t feeling as bad as compared to back then so I thought “maybe I did heal that part of me that was always hurt by those kinds of situations, on some degree, at least” and I wonder that still. It felt nostalgic, somehow unfamiliar and distant, like thinking about an old imaginary friend.
There are times that I want to feel vulnerable, times I want to be small and insignificant and challenge myself to be happy even in that state; because in the end, one is who decides what is and what is not poisonous for oneself.
There's some important symbolism in the phone that is placed on the floor in this piece. I look at my phone’s lock screen a lot, since it’s always on ‘do not disturb mode’ I wonder if someone wrote a message to me or if someone needs me, but most of the time I find it empty. I think it is a funny thing because that's when I realize how symbolic and important a phone is to our self-validation and how it represents the connection we have with the physical world. That's why the character is not looking at it, because they don't need it, even though they are sad and wants to receive a call or a message, they realize they don't need it and sinks into the state of vulnerability.
Along with some other things, I realized that day that there might always be someone more important than me for the people I love; that I might always be the 'second option' and maybe the one person who never gets chosen — and it’s okay because as long as one enjoys being lonely (not only alone), as long as one decides what hurts oneself, one will walk past it and be happy anyway. Maybe someday, who knows, you will be everything you need.
Lineart, first color approach and finished piece closeup.